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........and drown your fear

I will wash away your pain with all my tears......

3/25/06 12:11 am

this just doesnt do it for me anymore...but then again alot doesnt do it for me.......im out....

3/12/06 12:10 pm - theres a man with a gun over there.....

well its been an eventful spring break at that. pretty much ive been confined to caring for my immature sister as she was in the hospital.....what adds character to the story is that within an hour of my sister going to the hospital my grandmother had a stroke and is paralyzed from the waist down and cant speak. funny right? yep...things just dont stop coming at me at full force.

chaly if u are out there in the world still...i miss u and dear lord i need a girls night out with you.....im soooo needing some of your love right about now.... :( and johnny depp came to the theatres and we have to see him :(

2/21/06 05:53 pm

"To My Dear and Loving Husband"
by Anne Bradstreet

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were loved by wife, then thee;
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye women, if you can.
I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold
Or all the riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee, give recompense.
Thy love is such I can no way repay,
The heavens reward thee manifold, I pray.
Then while we live, in love let's so persevere
That when we live no more, we may live ever.

I dont know why but I loved this poem when we read it today in poetry. I guess I am a big mushy love person. It seems like an eternity since I wrote in this little thing. It's just not the same so much.....I can't wait till we finish the plans for the cruise with Chaly & Carlo!!! I HOPE WE ALL GO!!!!!!! It'd kick SOOOOOOOOO much ass to go to the Bahamas.......Other then that life is just dandy.....

12/23/05 01:45 pm - they dont give a fuck about you, like i do

I've been maening to come here and discuss something I found out the day before my birthday from my mother. It's not been bothering me so much, as, making me, wonder. Me, Rachael & Nancy were on our way to Jupiter to have mmy bday dinner with my family. And something came up with my mother where we started discussing her children, and what the pregnancies were like. She was talking about how Lisa was the hell child during pregnancy & Kevin was a big baby. Ray goes, "what was Heath like in your womb?" or something. And Nancy started getting into this deep experience with me. Apparently back in the day a sonogram wasn't a mandatory procedure, so, when I came along there wasn't enough money to get one. So the doctor had no idea what I was, whether I was a boy, girl, etc. So my mom went into the story about how when she was about 5/6 months pregnant she was moving into Wellington. My father wasn't in the picture at this time because he & her were seperated temporarily. So it was Frankie, my mom & grandparents moving. My mom had this box in her arms, and she tripped and fell right onto one of those car stoppers in a parking lot. I had already heard this before and thought she was just getting into the story for Ray. But then she continues on with it. She had gone to the doctor, and was in excruciating pain the entire day. She said she couldn't feel right, and she felt something was terribley wrong. But the doctor said things looked fine from his perspective and sent her home. She said the rest of the pregnancy she didn't feel right. Things inside her were different and felt very weird throughout it. When it came time for me to be born things went fine. She said that during Kevin's birth they left the placenta in her, so during mine she said she made a POINT to the doctor to see the placenta before she left the operating room. Which she saw, and she calmed down. But once the doctors said she was done and I was out, she still felt bad. She had this pain inside her belly and couldnt bare it. All the doctor said it was was gas, but she had 3 children before me and told him she KNEW it wasn't that. He shrugged her off like she knew nothing and sent her to recovery.
My mother said she told one of the nurses about the pain, and how her belly hadnt gone down much, and the nurse felt her. The nurse became concerned and ran to the doctor and told him she thinks something was still wrong with my mother, but her ignored her as well. Within a few hours they sent my mother home, but she was still in pain. She said she could barelly walk at home and get out of bed. One of the neighbors on the block had been a nurse, so my grandparents were concerned and asked her to come over. She had my mother lay down and looked inside her, and she freaked out. She told my mother she saw an embrio or something and demanded my grandfather took her to the hospital. Since the only hospital then was Good Sam it took forever to get there, but my mother said the pain got worse. Once she got there she went back to the doctor, and he had her lay down. The same nurse from before was there, and they both looked inside my mother. The doctor went "theres nothing there" and then the nurse goes "NO I SAW IT!" and he looked once more, closer, and went "OH SHIT!!!!!" My mom said his face went completely white and he shut up and started working fast. Within a few minutes he pulled something out of my mother, but didnt show her. The entire room grew silent. My mother said once the doctor came back that he told her he left the placenta in her, and sent her home. She said that she felt 100% better, and went home with my grandfather. But she KNEW it wasn't the placenta, she kNEW somethig else was inside of her. When she called the hospital later to find out what it was they told her the doctor wrote that he pulled ouot a placenta from her and nothing else. But my mother knew they were lying and tried to research it. She said, that she is convinced I was conceived as a twin, and that when she fell she hit one of us and that that baby became very weak, and when she went into labor i had strength to come out but the other one needed help, and the doctor overlooked it when he pulled the placenta out, and since the baby had nothing to live on when the placenta it was dying inside of her. And that when the doctor realized what he had done, he covered his tracks up because he could then because there was no trace of another baby inside of my mother. WHAT THE HELL?? That story got to me, it really did, it gives me chills when I think about it. It really does...........

12/5/05 04:43 pm - walking on broken glass

i got my first birthday card today!! from ashley!!!! im so excited!!!! MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!

well, the weekend went amazing.....i did the special thing again with john cuz its our anniversary week and we needed to start off with a bang. this coming weekend we are going to the melting pot for dinner!!!! :) 2 years :) im sooooooooo happy :) and....i heard what hes getting me but i dont wanna say anything but im sooooooooooo excited if it happens!! I CANT CONTAIN MYSELf

CHALYMAR!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!!?! are you still here!??! i havent heard from you in years!!! i miss you :(

oh, the stalker made another phone call to us this weekend as well...called john first and then 8 min, later called me. whats up with this shit? who is it? i have 2 ideas in my mind and im bout ready to flip on em....

11/28/05 10:11 am - going to huslter hollywood friday!!!!! hahahahahahahaha

my thanksgiving was kind of uneventful. i went to tampa to visit my grandma, and it was nice. considering the circumstances. i caught myself a few times, searching the house for grandpa. i even called one of my uncles grandpa, but i caught myself, because my grandma was next to me, and said grandpma. instead. the things my grandfather used to touch daily were hidden from me. even the little date changer thingy hed do everyday was missing. i wanted to ask where it was, but i didnt. i spent alot of my thanksgiving rocking in his chair, it soothed me alot. other then that it went well. my uncle bob was there, and it made things weird. it makes himself the outcast of the family by not going to alot of things. but he was trying. on saturday before coming back home, the whole crowd of us made a trip out to see granddaddy's grave. and there, i learned alot about my family. cuz like at the cemetary there is this bench, dedicated to my great grandparents, and their erns (spelling??) and placed inside of the bench. and my grandpas there. and my grandmas headstone is next to it cuz she gonna be buried there. but she just started spilling info for like an hour. about my fmaily. little secrets it was nice to learn. its always nice to learn your roots ya know? i found out my grandmas fathers family was here during the civil war, and he was a son of 18 children, and that the family lived throughout the whole war. something i was OBSESSED with knowing, since its my fave war to read about. but yeah. i didnt get back to town till like 7ish saturday (SORRY ASHLEY!!!!!!!!!!) but yeah. it was nice to come home to a house full of cats....

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 14 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!! all i want is an easybake oven, which john is supposedly buying me...but we'll see....and i want my blueberry crumb pie too......ohhhhhhh im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIRTHDAYBIRTHDAY!!!! and to top it off mine and rays 15 year anniversary is in3 days, mine and johns 2 year anniversary is in9 days and christmas is in 27 days!! decemeber is my favorite month!! :)

11/14/05 04:40 pm

i have a very special christmas/hannakah(i probably fucked that word up cuz i cant spell...) idea im giving out to all of my important people in the world and im very excited to start working on it. so wes, ash, you 2 better be home sometime around the holidays cuz you kids are on my list....along with a select amount of others.....

11/13/05 11:48 pm

i just did a whole shit load of german online from 4pm-11:49pm....i made the deadline by 11 minutes. i never want to hear another german person speak in their native tongue for a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry long time

11/10/05 11:53 pm - a killer in me is the killer n you, send this smile on over to you...

life has been looking up for me more and more again. last week was the worst week of my life, emotionally, physically, and mentally.  i had the biggest test of my life, staring into my eyes, begging for me to make a life changing decision and im thankful i have rachael here to point me into the right way.  had i of done something, which i woulda done outta curiosity and that only, i think my whole life would have crumbled before my eyes.......
i dont feel like i fit into this whole college thing.  im not into it. i wanna get it over, i dont like partying so much....i like having casual drinks with katie b, or hanging with some wackadoos people, or running around crazy with chaly/carlo/leo....but i dont like anything else about college. im really mad at myself i think too. im not putting any effort into school. i dont study. i dont work hard in my chem class. i dont read the assignments. i dont know what it is. i wanna be that student that sits up all night sipping on cappacuinnos studying for their test the have tomorrow. i wanna take it seriously, but i cant. in high school i slacked all the way through it and thats what im doing here....i get sooooo distracted....and i mean it. to top off the fact that i am an HONEST to GOD insomniac......thats my problem....i get sooo distracted i dont go to bed....i find ways to KEEP myself up rather then think of ways to FALL asleep. im so tired from the day youd think id put more effort on sleeping....do i have add? am i an insomniac? am i insane? or am i just being a stupid college student? i wanna try hard...and i wanna work hard for school...and i wanna sleep...god do i wanna sleep...whats wrong with me?

i started working on the side at johns box office thingy with him and joejoe....its not hard, and its an easy 2nd job. i NEED to get me that car...wacakdoos can only help me so much in that area....hopefully im not spreading myself too thin...ehhh...whatever...its all gonna work itself out in the end...

johns gonna be taking me *HOPEFULLY* to see "a christmas carol" at the broward center...i dont care how but i wanna go. its my FAVE christmas-time story. i love every version of it. the muppet baby 1, the cartoon 1, the real life one, the play, the saved by the bell version...any and all i love! ITS MY FAVORITE AND I WOULD DIE TO SEE IT!!!!!

one more thing....my shift key is STILL M.I.A. on my comp and frank needs to fix it somehow...you try typing without a shift key, its unnatural people...

10/24/05 01:01 am

im extremely pissed my hurricane party isnt going the way i wanted it to go. ive been kicked outta my room, ignored the entire time and have been made fun of. not to mention the fact that i cant do anything i wanted, watch anything i want or basically have anythin i want in general. everyone has had some kind of problem with me and john is constantly yelling at me as if he is much better then i am and knows much more about everything over me. im very offended right now and everyone is fucking asleep. im going to grab my ipod, my notebook and a water and just sit out in the storm till when ever the fuck its over. thats what this party was about and fuck it if im drinking by myself all night long.

by the way
im pissed off greatly. my light has been stolen
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